A Complete Guide to Lovingkindness Meditation.
Today, we’re talking Lovingkindness meditation.
Get yourself ready to be filled up with warm 🌞 sunshiney goldenness, because this practice delivers on multiple levels. Lovingkindness Meditation:
Increases feelings of connection, while decreasing feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Increases feelings of gratitude, joy and contentment.
Eases feelings of anxiety & depression.
Reduces relational tension.
You can see why it’s one of my favorite practices, right?
What is Lovingkindness Meditation?
What it is:
Lovingkindness is a contemplative Buddhist meditation practice that helps folks develop the love & compassion muscles not only for themselves, but for all sentient beings.
How does it work?
When practicing lovingkindness, you start by extending a series of loving phrases inwardly to yourself, and gradually expand love outward, first to someone that’s easy to love, then a neutral person, someone you find challenging, and eventually sending the love out to all beings everywhere.
In the process you’re training in tending to your own pain with kindness and warmth, and opening up your heart to others. In doing this, it helps you feel less alone & more connected.
Pretty neat, right?
What it isn’t:
LK is not an emotional control strategy, we’re not trying to force you to get rid of difficult feelings here, instead we’re learning to relate to these difficult feelings with warmth and tenderness.
Here’s a printable pdf lovingkindness meditation script for ya, so you can remember the steps easily!
Get ready for more self compassion, a greater sense of connection, and empowerment.
The Instructions
1.) Sit and Breathe
Get seated in a comfortable position somewhere quiet. You can close your eyes or soften your gaze downward. Start the practice with some moments of resting awareness on the breath, maybe even taking some deep breaths.
2.) Tap into Love
Then go ahead and bring to mind something that bubbles up feelings of warmth and love inside of you. You could think of someone who feels easy to love right now (who this is can change on the daily!) You could think of a beloved pet, a teacher, or even think of a memory of a time you felt loved.
Rest your mind on that feeling, let it spread through your mind but also your body, let it start sinking in like a soothing balm. I find it helpful to place a gentle hand on my heart too.
3.) Offering Lovingkindness to yourself
Mentally recite the following phrases, with that feeling of love and warmth in the forefront of your experience:
May I be kind to myself
May I be filled with unconditional love.
May I accept myself just as I am.
May I be at peace and at ease.
4.) Send lovingkindness to a loved one
Now think of a loved one, and imagine sending them these phrases and gestures of lovingkindness:
May you be kind to yourself.
May you be filled with unconditional love.
May you accept yourself just as you are.
May you be at peace and at ease.
5.) To someone neutral
Think of someone who maybe you see somewhat regularly, but don’t know on a deep level. Maybe another parent you see at school drop off, the mail carrier, or someone you pass frequently on your walks. Recognize that, though you don’t know much about this person, they too are someone who loves and longs to be loved. Silently wish them these phrase of lovingkindness:
May you be kind to yourself.
May you be filled with unconditional love.
May you accept yourself just as you are.
May you be at peace and at ease.
6.) To Someone Difficult
This is the hardest step. You’re going to pick someone who you find challenging. Don’t start with the hardest person in your life, start with someone who mildly irritates you.
Remember again, though this person irritates you, they are a human being like you, someone that wants to be loved and who is afraid of being hurt. If this step is too challenging, send lovingkindness to the discomfort in you.
May you be kind to yourself.
May you be filled with unconditional love.
May you accept yourself just as you are.
May you be at peace and at ease.
7.) To all beings everywhere
Take a moment to expand your thoughts to include all beings in your neighborhood, in your city, your state, continuing to expand outward until you imagine all beings everywhere in the world.
If you’re struggling with this step, I sometimes like imagining holding a mini world in my hands.
Remember that we’re all imperfect humans, struggling through the ups and downs of life, and with that in mind, offer some LK to all beings everywhere:
May all beings everywhere be kind to themselves.
May all beings everywhere be filled with unconditional love.
May all beings everywhere accept themselves just as they are.
May all beings everywhere be at peace and at ease.
When you’re done, you can take a few moments to just be with these feelings of lovingkindness, and whenever you’re ready, open your eyes.
Customizing the Phrases
Play around with the phrases and come up with your own depending on what you need in the moment, and the language that feels good and natural to you. Here are some other suggestions depending on what you’re struggling with.
Challenges & Suggestions
A few of the common challenges folks run into when they’re starting off with lovingkindness meditation and suggestions to help you move along in your practice.
Challenge No. 1
I find it hard to drum up feelings of love and warmth.
Suggestions
Consider the following reflections:
What people make you feel most secure, loved and safe?
What places bring up feelings of warmth and security for you?
What memories or experiences bring up a sense of resiliency, self trust, and strength in you?
What helps you trust your basic goodness?
Is there anything in the natural world that inspires feelings of awe, a sense of groundedness or gratitude in you?
If you find it really challenging to drum up feelings of love, warmth and relative safety, it might be helpful to reach out to a therapist to get support.
You know I have a worksheet for you to jot some ideas 😏
Here’s a worksheet for you if you need some help brainstorming the things that help you feel safe, warm, and grounded.
Helpful for lovingkindness meditation but also just helpful to know in general. It’s great to have this list as a go to in your back pocket next time you need a boost of support!
Challenge No. 2
It feels mechanical
Suggestion
Not much to say here, except to normalize that. It definitely can feel mechanical at first, especially if you’re not used to drumming up feelings of love for yourself. Keep experimenting with what most gets you in touch with those warm feelings, and trust that the more you do it, the less mechanical it’ll feel!
Challenge No. 3
It feels scary to face the uncomfy feelings in me!
Ugh, yes, I’m totally with you on that. Sitting with discomfort is a hard sell. So that’s why I encourage you to remember the why. Often I start any meditation practice with reminding myself why I’m doing it. So if you’ve practice LK before, remind yourself of how good it felt to do the practice. If you’re a newbie, remind yourself of the potential benefits, or check out some of the links below to LK research to get you pumped.
Spend more time on the resourcing step I mentioned in step one, fill out that journal and get more confident in soothing yourself with the things that make you feel safe.
Practicing with a friend or a meditation group can also help.
And again, if it feels like too much to sit with the pain, then it might be too much! Trust yourself. Maybe there’s some more work to be done in learning how to feel safe in your own body and mind, and it might be helpful to reach out to a therapist or meditation teacher for extra support.
Lovingkindness Benefits & Research
Learn more about how just a few minutes of lovingkindness meditation can increase feelings of social connectedness and positive feelings towards new people.
Check out this study that showed lovingkindness meditation helped increase experiences of positive emotions (joy, gratitude, contentment, hope, love and overall life satisfaction) and decreased depressive symptoms.
Or this study showing that when lovingkindness meditation was used in combo with empirically supported therapies a number of psychological problems were effectively targeted. This included depression, social anxiety, and anger.
Some Guided Options
Recorded guided meditations can be helpful when starting out, here are a few options for ya.
6 minute lovingkindness meditation, Greater Good In Action
12 minute lovingkindness meditation, Jack Kornfield
20 minute lovingkindness meditation, Kristin Neff
May You Be Filled With Lovingkindness.
I hope this intro has gotten you feeling excited and ready to experiment with lovingkindness meditation! It’s been such a helpful practice for me and so many others. Feel free to take it slow, starting with getting comfortable with sending lovingkindness to yourself, and when you’re ready, go ahead and expand the love outward. Now go ahead and bask in the warmth of your basic goodness 🤗
Hi! I’m Ellie, a private practice therapist offering online therapy to empathetic women & couples in Maryland. I help women manage anxiety & stress and couples strengthen their relationships. When I’m not meeting with clients, I’m probably working on a creative project, reading a cozy book, or hanging with my family.
Check out my website to grab your anxiety relief freebie, or take my quiz to get a customized anxiety relief tool. If you live in Maryland or Virginia, reach out to see if we’re a good fit for therapy.
